It is Saturday June 1

..

I have 12 days to study...



Do you have any idea how my life sucks?
I do.
That's why I'm doing this

 So, I've been invited to a party to celebrate a friend's new apartment, and I don't know what to do. In the first place, I can't go because I have to go to my parents' house (mom's having money troubles again because of my father *sigh*) but I also don't want to go because the girl I dated is going to go, and they are all friends of her too. Buuuut, I also don't want to seem mean and just ignore them and not go...

*thinking...thinking...thinking...*

Oh! I know! I'll send a message to the friend that owns the apartment congratulating her for it, and then apologize deeply saying that I won't be able to go because of family stuff. Yessss! That way it'll seem like I really wanted to go.
Aaaahhh, my romantic life is ruining every single aspect of my life again! *angsts*

Ok, deep breath. This could also be seen in a good way. I mean, I just have to go out and make new friends, right? I'll just try to be positive and proactive... And try not to fall into the claws of anxiety...

 Okay, so, since yesterday I have:

-Not panicked. I'm actually perfectly ok with any outcome of the whole sign up/exam thing. I'm actually a little surprised at my ability to not panic and keep my anxiety down U.U
-Went running yesterday afternoon and this morning :3 It wasn't so much running as walking really fast with bits of actual running in between, but I count it because I have a shitty condition
-Checked out my entrance exam guide book and read a bit about the physics part. It's not nearly as difficult as I remember it, actually :)
-Investigated the place where I have to go to get my picture taken for the exam. It's actually very close to my house and my job. I hope things go alright and I can go to the appointment.

I haven't managed to bake anything yet, but I have my eye on some blueberry muffins and raspberry bars *drools*

Oh, yeah, nice weekend

 I love tumblr, but I feel like it's damaging me. I mean...I don't know how to explain it, but today when I was feeling really bad I realized something about myself: I am not really here. My body might be in whatever I might be doing, but my MIND is not there. I am never really invested in whatever I am doing at the moment. I've never really...been there in full body and mind. I always escape to some place in my mind where I don't have to face the day to day awfulness of my life. Merely going through the motions.

My latest hobby is to look for drug addicts' blogs and go through them, reading about their lives. I don't know why it's so interesting, but I read a few about a bunch of different drugs. When that got to be too much, I went on to blogs of people with depression thinking that it might help me feel better about myself. There are so many depressed people on tumblr, it's a great place to not feel bad about it. A great place to not be judged.

But I don't want to feel better. I want my life to not suck. I want to stop hating myself because I keep making the same mistakes all the time.

I just went through my own journal and started reading all the stupid things I used to say. All the hopes I had, all the energy I had. I was so stupid. So free, and yet locked up within my own mind. 

Just like now.

It's a funny thing, but really, nothing has changed about my situation. I am still that same little girl, making the same mistakes, running without direction, doing things just for the sake of doing stuff.

I don't want this anymore. It's something that I've been thinking for a few weeks. But, with work and school, it's hard to find time for it. It's hard, but I do have it. I have the time, but when I get home, it's so easy to just settle back into mindless scrolling down the page, finding everything you like, ready to be mindlessly consumed. I produce nothing. I feel nothing. I advance nothing.

And it's so addicting! I just want to lay back and be on tumblr (or, in any that case, enjoying the many wonders of the internet) all day and all night. In the hours of scrolling and reblogging, I forget about the dreams I had. About all the things I want to do, like study literature or start my own accounting bureau. All the things I just don't do because it's so much more fun to be on the internet, on tumblr, just seeing pretty pictures and reading pretty stories. And if I feel bad, there are many blogs about feeling better.

I don't think I'm getting my point across very well. I really can't find the words to say everything that is bothering me right now. Maybe because I don't know it all myself.

But, at the beginning of this post I remembered about wanting to get into the UNAM and study literature. It has been years since I last tried, and I went into the page and found out today was the last day for registration. I signed up right away. If I had been on tumblr (or on any other similar site) instead of reflecting on my life choices and trying to put it all into words here, I wouldn't have caught that. And I probably would have never remembered to try again.

I need deep introspection and silence. Two things tumblr cannot give me.

I went to my parents' house yesterday after doing my social service at school. Going all the way to Toluca from Mexico City might not be too far, but it's far enough that it leaves me really tired. Yesterday I laid down at my mom's bed at around eight and fell asleep until 11:20 O.O I was just so tired U.U
Anyway, here are a few photos of friday's squash game. Actually, these are photos of my coworkers I took while resting after playing myself.
( Lots and lots of photos! )

I am going to bed before midnight. This announcement deserves a post all by itself. And a round of applause. And a full bag of popcorn.

Check.
Check.
Check.

Yush!!

Also, I made honor roll (is that how you say that?) for my grades last semester. They're going to give me some sort of diploma about having the best grades of the class tomorrow. Expect an influx of shitty photos about it and my school. Also, about popcorn. Unless I consume them all before taking photos of them, which is like, all the time.


Yush!! :D

I've been wanting to take more photos. I figure I have a shitty memory, so in ten years time, I really want to remember how I was at 24 :P
So, here are a few photos from today.

First, the view from my bus while going to work, around 6:40 a.m.


And then, a photo of my school while sitting in a couple steps in front of my classroom door


And lastly, a photo of my favorite pen on top of a page full of stuff for that silly Xiaolin Showdown fic I thought of the other day.



It's shaped like a sirynge! LOL! Also, my handwriting is horrible, I know U.U

 I was talking with a girl from the social service today and I told her that I wanted to get some clients because I was needing money and she said that she had made some business cards to hand out to people and that she had around four or five clients aside from her current job. So, I had planned to go downtown to check out where I could get them done, but my grandmother told me to go to walmart to get some stuff, and then my legs just hurt too much. Besides, it was already too late to go by then. So, it's now 7:24 in the evening and I feel like I've done nothing and achieved nothing all day. Gods, this sucks. Besides, it's way too hot today :P I'm melting!

I've been awake for 12 hours. I must have DONE something today...
- Went to the social service until 11
-Came back home, showered and made bed until 1:30
-Went to walmart until 2:30
-Had dinner until 4:00
-Checked some fics and uploaded one to AO3 (that site is weiiiirddd...)
-Tumblr until now. (Oh, so THAT was the culprit in my time wasting!)

Aaah, I'm just gonna try and get some writing for the rest of the day. I'm getting pissed at how slow the fic writing is going. I should have something a bit more concrete by now, but I just can't get past the middle! Chase is such a hard character to write.

I spent some time today looking over my old Dissidia fics and being really interested. I can see why I was so obsessed back then. I can still feel the same feeling of boundless creation and infinite possibilities that the Dissidia game provided. I also got some more ideas for another Xiaolin Showdown fic :3 One about Jack losing his memory and his parents sort of not knowing how to deal with this kid who doesn't understand that they don't know how to parent, and Chase suddenly realising that the usual Jack wasn't that bad...Sigh, so many ideas, so very little done...

 It's been a nice weekend. I've been resting and writing fanfic. I don't think I could ask for anything better :)

Because I worked on three days that I should have had off, I could take off last friday and this monday, meaning that I had four days of not working. Really good for relaxing, but I can't help feeling like I'm gonna have a ton of work when I go back tomorrow. 

It doesn't help that I had to do a lot of things before going off to my parents' house. On friday I still had classes at school (in fact I had to turn in a project :P) and a Squash game with a couple friends from work. I've been really getting into Squash lately. It's a lot of fun. I've always been interested in tennis, but it's hard to find courts to play in around where I live. There are squash courts around, though and they aren't too expensive.

Talking about expensive! It's barely April 8th and I already feel I have zero money from my latest paycheck. After paying my school's tuition, and the dentist, I barely have enough to survive for the rest of the month. Aaahh, I really need to get some accounting clients soon U.U *sigh*

Anyway, last week my phone company decided it didn't want to give me any internetzz until they finished maintenance in my area. As you can guess, I found that incledibly amusing >:( and I missed an invitation to go out with a few friends and watch a movie.
Maybe that was for the best, though, since the last girl I dated was going to be there, and most of the girls going are her friends. How does one go around something like that? Dating someone, it not working and realizing most of your friends are also friends of that person? Maybe I need to get new friends :P

 And it turns out I was 21 when I last posted to this journal.
Everything has changed so much since then. It seems like so little and so much time has passed at the same time.  Hell, I'd even forgotten I had this account! :P
In fact, everything feels strange.
Let's see if this journaling thing goes better here than at my livejournal. Even though I'm crossposting everything there *shrugs*