I am Sick

 I have some kind of stomach bug and it's awfull. I came home after work to take a bath and lay down miserably in my bed. School is definitely not happening today so, whatever I totally don't care.

My mind has been playing tricks on me, and not only am I sick, but I feel absolutely awful emotionally. I don't know what's come over me. This isn't like my usual desperate depression full of self hatred. It's this sort of malaise that makes me feel tired all the time and sad all the time. I would blame my period, but it was supposed to happen on monday and then it decided to go all Nope on me.

Maybe it's just this stomach sickness. I felt bad since sunday morning, but didn't take any meds and just endured the pain like an idiot. My uncle says maybe I have some kind of infection and that's causing my headaches too. Great.

This sucks.

I want to leave tumblr because my life is a mess

 I love tumblr, but I feel like it's damaging me. I mean...I don't know how to explain it, but today when I was feeling really bad I realized something about myself: I am not really here. My body might be in whatever I might be doing, but my MIND is not there. I am never really invested in whatever I am doing at the moment. I've never really...been there in full body and mind. I always escape to some place in my mind where I don't have to face the day to day awfulness of my life. Merely going through the motions.

My latest hobby is to look for drug addicts' blogs and go through them, reading about their lives. I don't know why it's so interesting, but I read a few about a bunch of different drugs. When that got to be too much, I went on to blogs of people with depression thinking that it might help me feel better about myself. There are so many depressed people on tumblr, it's a great place to not feel bad about it. A great place to not be judged.

But I don't want to feel better. I want my life to not suck. I want to stop hating myself because I keep making the same mistakes all the time.

I just went through my own journal and started reading all the stupid things I used to say. All the hopes I had, all the energy I had. I was so stupid. So free, and yet locked up within my own mind. 

Just like now.

It's a funny thing, but really, nothing has changed about my situation. I am still that same little girl, making the same mistakes, running without direction, doing things just for the sake of doing stuff.

I don't want this anymore. It's something that I've been thinking for a few weeks. But, with work and school, it's hard to find time for it. It's hard, but I do have it. I have the time, but when I get home, it's so easy to just settle back into mindless scrolling down the page, finding everything you like, ready to be mindlessly consumed. I produce nothing. I feel nothing. I advance nothing.

And it's so addicting! I just want to lay back and be on tumblr (or, in any that case, enjoying the many wonders of the internet) all day and all night. In the hours of scrolling and reblogging, I forget about the dreams I had. About all the things I want to do, like study literature or start my own accounting bureau. All the things I just don't do because it's so much more fun to be on the internet, on tumblr, just seeing pretty pictures and reading pretty stories. And if I feel bad, there are many blogs about feeling better.

I don't think I'm getting my point across very well. I really can't find the words to say everything that is bothering me right now. Maybe because I don't know it all myself.

But, at the beginning of this post I remembered about wanting to get into the UNAM and study literature. It has been years since I last tried, and I went into the page and found out today was the last day for registration. I signed up right away. If I had been on tumblr (or on any other similar site) instead of reflecting on my life choices and trying to put it all into words here, I wouldn't have caught that. And I probably would have never remembered to try again.

I need deep introspection and silence. Two things tumblr cannot give me.